Mourning, Grief, and How the Fuck Do You Deal With It?

My cousin killed himself yesterday.

I got the call about 7pm last night. Maybe it was 6, I can't remember. My aunt called to cancel our outing with my my boys and me today and then she told me why: my 19 year-old-cousin, who was her grandson, had offed himself. He's technically my second cousin.

I don't handle news like that well, but who does, really? I cried on the phone with my aunt and felt immediately selfish since I hadn't been as close to him as she was. After I hung up the phone, I called my mother. After that, I still wanted to talk to someone, but I didn't know who. My partner was still at work and the boys were bickering, playing, and bickering some more. I broke out the legos and my Nook HD+ to keep them occupied, even though my 3-year-old was grounded from his lego for a few days for repeatedly pushing his 2-year-old brother. I didn't want to call any family, because they were hurting as much or more than I was. I didn't want to console; I wanted consolation. I logged on to Facebook to see who was on chat, but I found noone appropriate to talk to about this. I ended up calling a friend from A.A....and came to the realization that I need a real, true friend that I can speak to on the phone and face-to-face.

My cousin (who I'll call "D") didn't live in the same state as I do, but he did live here for awhile a couple of years ago. He and I weren't extremely close, much of which has to do with the fact that he was half my age. I was close to his father, my first cousin who I'll call "T," while we were growing up. T is only a year younger than me. T and his wife at the time gave D up for adoption when D was 9 months old. T is in jail at the moment. My aunt, T's mother, contacted D's adoptive parents and a bond was formed and D remained in all of our lives. D had TWO different families who loved and claimed him.

I tried to read for a bit when I went to bed last night, but the only thing I could handle was the issue of Game Informer magazine that arrived in the mailbox two days ago. This month's issue has a good interview with Steve Wozniak (sp?) and also an article detailing the development evolution of the Big Daddies and the character of Elizabeth from the Bioshock videogame series.

Last night I was pretty sad and numb.

I awoke early so I could get some writing done before work, but it quickly became clear that writing just wasn't going to happen. In addition to sadness, anger had crept into my head. I posted a photo on D's Facebook timeline and checked out his page. Wednesday he seemed happy, with a positive "status" and sharing silly things. He also had a new girlfriend.

I frittered away my morning before work time by having a short chat with someone about a book review blog and making my Fallout Friday blog post. I still felt like a wet blanket, but I decided to go to work. I figured it would distract me. I ended up leaving work a half hour after arriving.

Grief is so strange to me. I often wonder if I'm feeling "too much" or am "too sensitive." Then I wonder why I'm wondering that. Is my behavior appropriate? Who the fuck knows...people feel what they feel.

Today I've called a few family members to mourn and chatted online with buddies about happier things like video games and babies to distract myself. I played with the boys outside.

I'm so pissed off at my cousin right now that I want to scream and slap his fucking face. Not even old enough to drink and he robbed himself of his future...and robbed US of him.

I don't know if I'm grieving right...is there a right way to do it? Fuck. I'm so spent.

I doubt that this rambling recollection of my grieving, which I'm still doing, will help anyone, but it is what it is.

I love and hate my cousin so damn much right now.